I've been through a tough time recently—mostly mentally and partly physically. One sigh is that I had lots of moments where I wanted to give up things precious to me: some beliefs, values, hopes and dreams. And I did gave some of them up, pathetically. I'm stuck in the conflicts and illusions that I might have created myself.
The fuse was lit in the vacation of October, and I was in a depressed mood the entire month. I stayed at home for about a week, accompanying with my parents(particularly my dad) and celebrating the Moon Festival. In the day before Festival, a fierce argument broke out between my dad and I. Our voices grew louder and louder, and words were as sharp and malicious as knives, intentionally stabbing at each other. It was a total disaster, a heartbroken nightmire, and I'm still too ashamed to look back. I never should have acted that way—my dad was in the final stage of life, yet I was so childish and stubborn to reach an answer.
I don't want to render the specific story and details, the main point is, I realize that people can never truely and deeply understand one another, no matter how intimate they are. It's dangerous and unmature to communicate with no reservations, to speak out honestly and frankly what you really think especially the deep dark thoughts. It really hurts, for both sides and for the relationship itself. For such a long time I genuinely believe people should speak and act with honest and sincerity, no pretense or lies. If there are some problems and contradictions, we should point them out and work through them. Now I see keeping distance is important, just like tow magnets that attract each other but can never embrace. The director Ang Lee said respect matters more than love, and I think keeping leeway and distance in spirit is part of respect.
Another thing weighing on me: my current company has a facial recognition policy. They’ve installed access control devices at every entrance of the workplace and office buildings. Employees have to use a card or scan their face to enter or exit, so the company can monitor and penalize anyone who leaves the workplace during working hours. Old, outdated jail-like rules, if you ask me.
I’ve always used my card to get in, even though I often forget it and end up in trouble. I never wanted to sign the facial recognition agreement because I don’t trust it—I want to protect my poor, scarce privacy. But let’s be real, it’s useless anyway. In this country, in this digital age, people are used to signing app contracts without reading them. All platforms require real-name online access, some even directly disclose IP locations. Everything in your apps is completely transparent to authorities and corporations. We’re all exposed, with no real privacy left.
A friend living in Europe complained that the GDPR (General Data Protection Regulation) brings inconvenience to daily life and leads to technological underdevelopment. But in China, everything seems easier and more efficient. Here’s what I think: everything comes with a cost. Choosing convenience and efficiency, or choosing privacy and personal autonomy—it’s ultimately a value choice. And I believe people should care more about the latter, because it’s about our dignity. We should live as humans with dignity.
But I ended up signing the agreement anyway. I was tired—tired of forgetting my card, tired of being stuck outside the workplace time and time again. I’m so sorry. It shouldn’t have been hard to hold out, but in that moment, I felt exhausted and meaningless about clinging to my principles. I lost to that moment of weakness.
There were also other endless trivial things distrubing me. Met some old and important friends, got a feeling that we will drift apart as time passes. Failed the job interview, doubting if I'll ever have a vocation or career. Lost interests in job and hobbies, hard to have fun or take part in activities. Floaters are getting worse and worse, being afraid of getting blind. Bought a yearly plan from a VPN provider, and suddenly they vanished with my gone money. A mouse got in the room, driving me mad, maybe have to find another place and move.
These are problems, which means they can be solved step by step. I only fell apart when I feel a Deja vu-like sense of destiny when I try to handle them, and emotions swallowed me up so fiercely. Now all I believe is this: everything will flow, and if there is a destiny, let it be.